What It Means To Have Emotional Intelligence
The higher your EQ, the more in touch you are with your
feelings, as well as other people’s hand holding a heart next to a hand holding
a brain
Have you ever heard someone say that there are different
ways of being smart? Some people are “book smart” and some are “street smart.”
Some are great at math, while others have a way with words. Some folks have a
sixth sense for business and entrepreneurship, while others are creative
geniuses with music and art.
Whatever kind of smart you are, there’s another aspect to
consider: Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ. It’s
not an either/or kinda thing — you can be great at math and have high emotional
intelligence, or you can be a successful business owner who has terrible
emotional intelligence.
But what exactly is emotional intelligence? And is it a
skill you’re born with or something you can develop and refine over time?
Psychologist Grace Tworek, PsyD, digs into the concept of EQ and why it
matters.
What is emotional intelligence (EQ)?
Being emotionally intelligent means being in tune with your
emotions and the emotions of others — being able to identify, manage and even
anticipate how you or someone else may feel.
Psychologist Daniel Goleman, PhD, coined the term in his
1995 book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
“To put it plainly and simply, emotional intelligence is the
ability to perceive, understand, comprehend and manage emotions,” Dr. Tworek
explains. “EQ refers to how you recognize and respond to the emotions of
others, as well as how you manage your own emotions and understand how they may
be perceived by others.”
Why is emotional intelligence important?
Emotional intelligence can help you stay calm and collected
under pressure, manage awkward moments with grace and relate to just about
anyone you meet.
Why? Because the higher your emotional intelligence, the
better you are at understanding your feelings and the feelings of people around
you. This can help you relate to people better, be more empathetic and remain
grounded even amid difficult times.
“The better we are at understanding and labeling our own
emotions and why we may feel a certain way, the better we can gain insight into
how other people might feel,” Dr. Tworek says. “It also gives us the insight to
ask questions, rather than just assuming that each person might feel the exact
same way that we feel.”
In the 2006 movie The
Each of us approaches the world through our own unique lens,
bringing a different combination of background, experiences, personality and
emotions. That lens informs everything from the opinions we hold to the way we
react in certain scenarios, and it can often be difficult — if not seemingly
impossible — to understand how anyone else could see things differently than we
do.
Emotional intelligence helps you see beyond your own lens to
understand how other people might be feeling, based on wherever they’re coming
from.
Components of emotional intelligence
When it comes to emotional intelligence, there are a lot of
pieces and parts involved. Dr. Goleman, who first defined emotional
intelligence, identified five key components:
Self-awareness: Understanding your own feelings and
emotions, including what triggers them.
Self-regulation: Knowing how to manage your emotions and
impulses.
Motivation: Feeling inspired to set and achieve goals and to
better yourself so you can grow as a person.
Empathy: Being able to understand where other people are
coming from, even when their views, experiences and emotions are very different
from your own.
Social skills: Engaging and interacting well with others,
like in conversations and team settings.
Dr. Tworek breaks emotional intelligence down into four
similar overarching categories — two that are more personal (about your
internal self) and two that are more relational (about your relationships with
other people):
Self-awareness.
Self-management.
Social awareness.
Relationship management.
“The personal and the relational work hand in hand with each
other, and they also build off of one another,” Dr. Tworek says, “If you’re
able to understand your own emotions, it also informs your ability to
understand when other people might feel similarly.”
She delves deeper into each of these categories and the
concepts within them.
Self-awareness
“Self-awareness refers to your ability to recognize and
understand your own emotions, including what you’re experiencing and how you’re
feeling,” Dr. Tworek explains.
This may seem like a no-brainer — “I’m crying because I feel
sad, duh!” — but it’s deeper than that. Why are you sad? And what kind of sad?
Are you feeling nostalgic, lonely, heartbroken, dejected? Did you realize you
were feeling sad before you started crying? Is it possible that you were rude
to this morning’s barista because you were feeling sad and didn’t even
recognize it at the time?
Some examples of self-awareness (which double as tips for
improving your self-awareness) include:
Being able to identify and name your emotions.
Knowing what scenarios and environments are likely to trigger
various emotions.
Noticing physical cues related to your emotions. Maybe, for
example, you get butterflies in your stomach when you’re nervous or you hike
your shoulders up to your ears when you’re stressed out.
Recognizing outside influences on your mood, like when
you’re “hangry” or tired.
Asking yourself reflective questions in the moment, like
“How do I feel right now?” and “What’s causing me to react this way?”
Reflecting on your emotions to get a better understanding of
them, like by journaling, talking about them in therapy or asking other people
for their feedback on how you came across in emotional situations.
Self-management
This aspect of emotional intelligence refers to your ability
to regulate the emotions you’re experiencing. Do you lash at others when you’re
angry? Does a hurtful comment ruin your entire day? Or do you have (and use)
coping skills, like deep breathing, positive self-talk and taking breaks when
you need them?
Managing your emotions can mean, for example:
Avoiding outbursts or making impulsive decisions when you’re
feeling strong emotions, like anger.
Staying poised under pressure.
Being adaptable and resilient when circumstances change.
Maintaining a positive outlook in the face of life
difficulties.
Being aware of your emotions but not overwhelmed by them.
Social awareness
“Social awareness is about recognizing and understanding
other people’s emotions, as well as your ability to convey emotions to others,”
Dr. Tworek clarifies.
Let’s go back to that connection between the personal and
the relational: If you know what makes you feel a certain way, you can better
understand what makes someone else feel that way, too. On the other hand, the
more in touch you are with your own emotions, the more you can recognize that
what makes you feel one way might evoke a completely different emotion in
someone else.
“EQ involves a lot of reflection and management of our own
emotions because we really only have our own experience of emotions to play off
of,” Dr. Tworek says. “The more we’re able to gain understanding and ask
questions to be able to relate to others, the better we’re able to put
ourselves in someone else’s shoes.”
Relationship management
When you’re attuned to other people’s emotions, you can be a
better friend, colleague and leader — someone who communicates thoughtfully and
interacts with more empathy.
“Emotional intelligence helps you to effectively communicate
with others and even manage conflict with them,” Dr. Tworek says.
Think about it: Your intellectual intelligence doesn’t have
much to do with your ability to manage your relationships with other people.
“How great you are at math doesn’t always relate to how well
you can resolve conflicts or how well you’re able to think of flexible, creative
solutions,” Dr. Tworek illustrates.
That’s where emotional intelligence comes in.
“When you think of the qualities that make up a good leader,
things that come to mind may include communication skills and problem-solving
skills,” she says. “You probably don't think, ‘I hope they’re really good at
fractions.’”
Even if you work in a very math-heavy job, your boss
probably isn’t just good with numbers. They’re likely also good with people,
which enables them to lead a team effectively and empathetically. (And we’re
not picking on math! The same is true across the board: Having high emotional
intelligence complements whatever other types of intelligence and skills you
have.)
How to improve your emotional intelligence
Think your EQ could use some work? It’s something everyone
can get better at, Dr. Tworek says — and it’s something that each of us has the
power to practice and improve upon, no matter our starting point.
“Emotional intelligence may come more naturally to some
people than others, but it’s a skill set that can be developed over time,” she
adds. “Improving your EQ will help you manage daily stressors and communicate
with others.”
Dr. Tworek shares tips for honing your emotional
intelligence.
Keep a journal
To better understand your feelings, start documenting them.
And you don’t have to be a great (or even good) writer to keep a journal.
“Keeping track of your thoughts, emotions and the way you
experience things can help you gain insight into how you feel and develop
self-awareness,” Dr. Tworek says. “This can help you with empathy toward
others, including understanding how others may perceive things, and improve our
relationships.”
Embrace meditation and mindfulness
To understand yourself, you have to spend time really
listening to and paying attention to yourself. And in a go-go-go world, that’s
not always as easy as sounds.
“Practices like mindfulness and meditation are ways in which
we can become more in tune with ourselves,” Dr. Tworek notes. They can help you
better understand and self-regulate your emotions and learn to think before you
react.
Various forms of meditation can help you calm your mind and
reduce stress and anxiety. And mindfulness is the practice of being aware and
present, no matter what you’re doing — whether it’s eating lunch, running a
meeting or waiting in rush hour traffic.
Learn from your own experiences
To help you figure out how best to communicate with others,
Dr. Tworek suggests reflecting on a time when someone else asked for your
opinion in a way that made you feel valued, affirmed, supported or otherwise
listened to.
“Think about how they phrased it and how that can inform the
way you phrase a similar question to someone else,” she says. “You can identify
tips and tricks from great leaders and other people who you feel communicate
well, then use those in your own interactions.”
Practice!
Improving your emotional intelligence is sort of like
improving your physical fitness: It’s something you have to work on,
intentionally and for the long haul. And while getting in touch with your own
emotions is half the battle, you can’t neglect the other half: Your
relationships with other people.
"Make sure you’re honing your emotional intelligence
skills when it comes to your relationships with others, not just your awareness
of yourself,” Dr. Tworek advises. “This means practicing your communication skills
and not being afraid to ask questions.”
Work on your active listening skills
When you’re in a conversation with someone else, do you just
hear them, or are you really, truly listening to them? Practice active
listening by giving conversations your full focus and attention and making a
genuine effort to understand what the other person is saying and where they’re
coming from.
Active listening also involves paying attention to body
language and more subtle verbal cues, like tone, that can help you understand
how people are feeling beyond just the words they say.
If you want to understand how you come across to others,
sometimes, the best thing to do is simply ask them.
“Sometimes, we assume that when we say something, it elicits
a certain emotion in someone else,” Dr. Tworek says. “It never hurts to ask,
‘Hey, when I communicate with you in this way, how does that make you feel? Is
there a better way for me to get this message across?’ Sometimes, the best
thing you can do is to ask and to clarify.”
Plus, asking for feedback opens the door to further
communications. It conveys your openness to having such conversations and to
trying to strengthen your relationships.
Have patience
Don’t expect to boost your emotional intelligence overnight.
This is a long-term project! Just keep working at it, piece by piece, day by
day.
“Any step forward is progress,” Dr. Tworek encourages. “And it’s something that you can continue to work on throughout your life.”